When you work toward a goal for so long, I guess the struggle becomes a part of you...the bridges you've burned and the freinds you've lost become part of the picture, part of the path you've traveled to get this far...
And once the threat has passed and you get a chance to stop running, you get a chance to stop and think...Why?
Why was I running, what was I really running from?

I can't really answer this question for myself, though a while ago I'dve sworn that I knew the answer, and that it came from the depths of my soul.

Why do I miss you?

Why, when I have worked so long and hard to fortify my spirit against the damage you have done, some part of me secretly wishes for you to come back and do it all over again?

When you spend 2 years in someone's life, I guess you get to know them pretty well, and I thought I knew you pretty well, but then you showed your other half, the twin of the Gemini so to speak, and I didn't know that person. The face, voice, scent, and clothes were all the same, things I had myself worn on occasion, but the person I had fallen in love with was gone, dead.

Oh, he surfaced now and again, to my delirious delight, but was then dragged under again by this unseen force that I could not even pin down, let alone challenge to a fight for him.

This is why I spent new Years eve alone on the computer with a whole bottle of strawberry white zinfandel that to this day mom doesn't know I drank.

MY helplessness shows it's face now in these days when I am alone but for my cats and my thoughts, and I wonder, where are you now? Do you still think of me and wonder, as I do, where we could have been right now?

Is it possible to love 2 people at the same time?

Why do I always fall for those that can hurt me the worst, in both body and mind? And what of my Heart and soul?

The pain I have every time I see his name is unbearable, a knife lancing and old wound, never shall it heal for it festers with 'what if'.

If you read this, and know who it is directed to, answer my questions, for you are the only one who can.

~Chibi